there's always 2 sides to every story. and what i'm talking about in this entry is the reasoning to my mom and dads divorce. i never remember them together, and growing up it was normal for me to have my mom and then my dad and step mom. and for some reason, 22 years later, both sides speak out, when in all reality i could care less because it's done and over with. but the thing that troubles me with them coming out now about it, is that it semi-scares me for the future. both of their stories seem true. my moms is that my dad cheated on her and chose his mistress over her, my dads is that my mom was lazy, maxed out the credit card, etc. but both deny what he or she says about eachother.
and then i leave thinking: well who CAN you honestly trust these days, will this happen to me too, what would life be like if they never divorced. i honestly couldn't see my parents together anyway. but you look at todays marriages, and i haven't heard of many that last. kirk and abby's ended because of cheating, crystals and her husbands ended because he was a dick. it just worries me. i know myself personally will never cheat, i've had it done to me, and it hurt. i guess that's why john and i are doing well. he's had it done to him, worse than my situation was. and even though both of us know we'd never do it to each other, there's always that thought in the back of our heads.
john put things into perspective for me today over lunch at little mexico, which by the way was very good. i really need to get out of this "hermit" state of mine i'm in. i did it to protect myself in the past, because my past frankly has never really been good, and in some cases still it's a good thing. it made me look like the bigger person when i just walked away from things and showed that i could care less. but the fact that i've made my current life; work, sleep, eat, john, repeat, and have closed the doors to old and new friends is the bad part. i've had no desire to make friends or mend friendships and i've taken a liking to this life. but it's hurting john and it's becoming selfish of me.
our relationship is good, don't get me wrong. whether it be acting like kids in the shower together, laying in bed, watching him dj, playing with the animals, going to the wave, going to the mall, taking pictures, yada yada: it's always fantastic. but it's when i get around a group of people, i shut down, won't talk, would rather be in bed. it embarrasses john, and makes people wonder why he bothers. he says i've got the sexiness down and that our together time is good, but if i'd talk more and be more friendly, i'd be the ideal girl.
and when i think about it. maybe part of this ties with the first part of my entry. i hermit myself to protect myself, true. i don't want my life to end up like my mom and dads, true. i've got my trust issues because of my past, true. but i love john too much, and don't want this one minor thing of mine to mess up what we have..
so starting today i'm going to work on that.
and if i succeed, i deserve free 3 amigos whenever i want; kidding!
but it will break the ice on a lot of things.
i rambled a lot in this. ugh.
